Good News or Bad News? Maybe or Maybe not, OR… this too shall pass. On Friday, September 2, 2011, my doctor phoned me and told me I had cancer. It was surreal. I was surprised but I wasn’t. My body had been showing me the signs for about a month or so. In my “gut” I knew something was up (no pun intended). I had gone in to see the Doctor Monday of that week and she scheduled me for my first (of many) lower GI exams two days later. The look on the Tech’s face after the procedure was completed was pretty indicative of what the results would be. No poker face there. But you’re never really ready to hear those words upon delivery. So the blessing was that it was only stage two. They call colorn cancer “the silent killer” because most people don’t start to exhibit symptoms until the later stages of three or four. They caught mine early. Thank GOD! And the Doctors placed on my case are all tops in their field. It’s been a long, very arduous journey. And like most journey’s it has not followed a predictable path or moved in a straight line. I was lucky that my first cycles of radiation and chemo in October and November went as the Doctors predicted. It was rough toward the end of the cycle but I made it all the way through without too many horrible side effects. And I didn’t loose all my hair like most people do! I managed to dodge that bullet. Seriously, my mom was ready to take me wig shopping and I feel so lucky I didn’t have to take her up on her offer. I know that’s really vain, and I totally was willing to shave it all off if it came down to it, but I’m so relieved that I didn’t have to. A woman and her long hair are not easily parted…. I had surgery on December 19th and my surgeon says they got it all and I believe him. I had a lot of post surgery complications though. I finally arrived back home on February 10th. So much happened in between those two dates. I learned a lot about myself in that window of time. I had good days and some really bad days. I learned that the only thing I’m in charge of is my thinking and my attitude. I had to learn how to let go. There were SO many people I wanted to hug for days and a few people for whom I wanted to inflict bodily harm. I learned that some people draw closer and some pull away. I had to get comfortable with being exposed and vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I learned that I was a lot stronger than I had ever given myself credit for. I learned to just try to be in the moment and to not judge it as being good or bad. I’ve learned to be gentle with myself and let people love on me. And to be open to what ever it is that’s on offer for that day. I learned that I still have A LOT to learn and so much to live for and be grateful for. I believe that the resulting positives of this journey will FAR outweigh the negatives. Life is full of surprises. I just lean in and experience life one minute at a time. For those of you who have been on the receiving end of my “chemo brain” thank you for your loving kindness and patience. Sometimes I feel like breaking into the refrain sung by the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz: “I could wile away the hours Conferrin' with the flowers Consultin' with the rain, And my head I'd be scratchin' While my thoughts were busy hatchin' If I only had a brain.” …… This too shall pass so they tell me. I want to believe them. I have been so abundantly blessed and literally flooded with an influx of love aimed in my direction by way of prayers, calls, visits, driving me to appointments, cards, and all of the little infinitesimal ways people have of caring and concern demonstrated to me. It feels so good to be coming back. The second cycle of chemo I’m currently in will be completed on June 5th, then one final surgery after that to complete the treatment. I believe I have been healed. I’m in the final stretch. This coming weekend I’m going to go play, sing and usher in another birthday with my friend and musical compatriot, Jesse Brewster, at a show at the Rancho Nicasio. This past weekend I sang 20 songs in a row with my pals in the band “Foni Mitchell” without petering out after the first set. And now I am completely blown away by the generosity of family and friends both outside and within the musical community I am so fortunate and blessed to be a part of who are coming together and lending their time and talents to aid me in getting me over the resultant financial hump I’ve acquired over the course of this journey. On Sunday, May 20th my family, friends and fellow musicians are planning a benefit, "Rally for Ally" at the Mystic Theater in Petaluma. Keep checking back as there will be information about the event up on my site soon! I am so humbled and exceedingly grateful. Life is good right now, in this moment. To be continued…… |
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